Johnny Drama Will Eat Your Soul

Excited to watch teenagers make more money than you?

2007-06-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

The NBA draft is tomorrow, and as many people have mentioned, it is much more exciting than this entire last season was. Even the playoffs, minus Golden State.

Seriously, can you name one exciting moment/play from the Finals?

And this is the fucking Finals! The Superbowl of basketball. The equivalent of the goddamn World Series.

And now the first two picks are both, what, 19 years old? That just doesn't seem fair. Imagine being 19 and getting several million dollars just for playing a game...

So when you're sitting on your ripped recliner and munching on some Easy Mac, or if you're in the next tax bracket, the blue box stuff, think about the teenager on your TV screen and the tricked out hummer he's gonna drive home in. Maybe he'll stop at a hip sushi bar and meet up with some swimsuit models stranded in New York for the weekend. He'll probably take 2 or 3 of them to the after party at some swank NY club, maybe even to the after-after party at the posh hotel he's forced to stay at for the night.

But you enjoy that Mac'n'Cheese!

Did ya miss me?

2007-06-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

So after a long vacation filled with loose slot machines and looser sluts*, it's time to get this crappy internet page up and going again. Let's call those first 6 posts a "soft opening," and now we'll get to the mega-spectacular-punch-your-buddy-in-the-crotch-fists-of-rock grand opening.

Unfortunately, there's nothing really to talk about right now. Unless you want to hear my thoughts about the pro wrestler who police believe went ape-shit and killed his wife and son before hanging himself.

Wow, seeing that typed out really makes me want to watch a 3-hour tribute dedicated to the guy. Way to be, USA Network.

*For legal purposes, "loose slots and looser sluts" should be interpreted to mean internet blackjack and 1980's porn movies stolen from the sale rack at West Coast Video.

Never Underestimate the Power of the Brownies

2007-05-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

A policeman in Michigan thought it would be a good idea to take some work home with him. And by "work" I mean pot and by "home with him", I mean home with him where he baked it into brownies for him and his wife.

I have no problem with that. But....

He then freaked out and called 911, thinking he had overdosed.

"I think we're dying," he said in the 5-minute tape, obtained under the Michigan Freedom of Information Act.
"We made brownies and I think we're dead, I really do," Sanchez continued.

You can listen to the actual 911 call in its entirety here, just click on the play button on the right.

What an asshat.

People in Potter are Stupid

2007-05-16T09:28:00.000-07:00

The town of Potter, NY was having some difficulty voting recently. Apparently, they "accidentally" banned beer from their town...

By the time it was over, residents had accidentally banned beer sales anywhere in town. Now they're asking the Legislature's help in reversing an inadvertent prohibition that threatens to close the only grocery store.

What the fuck is wrong with people? When you live in a town of 1,800 people and only one grocery store, what else is there to do on the weekends besides get loaded?

This is a town that's about to develop a coke problem real quick.

This Kid Will Dominate You

2007-05-15T20:58:00.000-07:00

This is straight up badass. I don't know where they found this video of me from back in the day, but damn I look good. The best part is the buildup of anticipation - you just know something sweet is about to happen. And then... BAM!

Tracy Morgan Wants to Impregnate You

2007-05-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

Tracy Morgan found a DJ he liked in Miramar, FL. However, it seems like he was after a little more than her funky beats, if ya know what I mean....

This DJ has got to be excited about all the free publicity she's about the get. This is the stuff that money can't buy!

Personally, I'd let him do whatever he wants to me because, ya know, he's Tracy Morgan. Which is synonymous with pimp daddy.

Also, I think it would be a sweet story to tell the grandkids.

Did I ever tell you kids about the time I became Tracy Morgans bitch?

Chuck Liddell Will Kick Your Ass

2007-05-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

And he just might do it wearing pink toenail polish. So says a profile of the ultimate fighting champ and super badass in the latest ESPN the Mag.

The article also covers one of Liddell's other hobbies... dancing:

"I love dancing," he says, his hips ticking back and forth with fluidity. "I'll dance anywhere, anytime. People think I'm wasted, but I'm not. I'm just enjoying
myself."

Now forgive me for sounding like a puss, but I'm actually even more scared of this guy right now. Really, anyone who colors their toenails pink and dances around like they're wasted scares the hell out of me. That probably explains why I've been so unlucky out at the bars lately.

But if I saw this guy coming at me in a bar, I'd make fun of his pink toenails and then run... really fucking fast.

This Paris Hilton Situation

2007-05-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

So the rich little heiress is getting sent to jail, and boy people just couldn't be happier. I guess it serves her right, since she drives drunk, abuses drugs and makes shitty sex tapes. Just think, that racist blond stuck behind bars with a bunch of criminals that want to violate her and kill her, not necessarily in that order.

I smell reality show!

Seriously, put her in a cell with one of the biggest, baddest, killers - ya know, the one with all the tattoos and and poster of Mr. T that she kisses every night before going to bed. Then put cameras all over the compound, especially in the shower. There's no need for a script, or any real production crew even. Just air an hour of unedited raw footage of Paris getting taunted, harassed and whatever else happens.

The season can end with Hilton curled up in a little ball in the corner of her cell cursing the day she ever wished she was famous.

Am I just being mean...?

Aww, fuck it, she's a bitch.